Losing My Religion

Let me preface this post with the following: I do not believe in Hell or in the need to "please" God, so those are not options for me to pursue in my latest dilemma. I also don't think I really need any ideas, just looking for a place to put down my thoughts.

I used to like going to church. Looking at the gorgeous stained glass, smelling the burning candles, shaking the hands of my neighbors. I liked it back when I was a Catholic, and I still like it now that I'm not. One of my favorite things to do when traveling is visit old, really old, churches and walk past their hushed cement walls and think about the people who built them. Even though my feelings about God and organized religion have changed drastically over the years, I still find churches to be pretty amazing places.

When I started going to my new church, I was hooked pretty fast. The minister was dynamic and a real people person. Within a few months of attending, my kids and I felt like we were part of the congregation (I'll leave Fairly Odd Father out of this since his feelings about organized religion are even more skeptical than mine).

I started teaching and volunteering when asked. My girls sang in the choir and acted in the annual play. It all felt really, really good.

But, then they stopped wanting to go. They didn't want to sing anymore, didn't want to be in the play. When I'd finally convince them to come, they'd sort of hold back and not be interested in staying afterward for coffee hour. Even today, when asked if anyone would come to church with me, the answer from these children who can barely stand to be out of my sight is an emphatic "NO!".

I suspect some of their new-found reluctance comes from the fact that there are some very strong-knit friendships between most of the kids their age, and my kids are not part of that group. I've tried to break into the group by setting up play dates but have had little success. It doesn't take much for me to back down, though, so even one dismissive, "I'm sorry, we're too busy" comment will keep me away for months.

They, and I, may also be unknowingly reacting to the loss of the church's beloved (actually Beloved, with a capital "B"), Religious Education director who had to leave when budgets were cut. I underestimated how huge of a blow this would be to morale when she left.

Plus, our new minster isn't the old, super-extroverted one. She's super smart, well-spoken and seemed a perfect match when presented to the congregation a year ago. She may still be for many people. I honestly have not given her enough of a chance to know for sure. Let me just say that I don't adjust to change easily.

And, here it is 10:28am on a Sunday and it is pretty obvious, as I sit here in my PJ's, that I will not make 10:30 service. I will not look at the stained glass, smell the candles and shake the hands of my neighbors. Instead I will attempt to carve out a few moments to think about the place of religion in my life and whether or not it has a future with my family or I.