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My First Colonoscopy, Day One: Holy Crap!

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Fairly Odd Mother

Frantically waving my magic wand to make wishes come true.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

My First Colonoscopy, Day One: Holy Crap!

I've had a few disgusting things happen to me in my life:

I've had two non-wiggly baby teeth knocked out of my mouth by a sadistic dentist who didn't use novocaine;

I've broken my arm and watched as the doctor squeezed the two bones back together;

I've had my bladder partially fall out of me;

I've given birth three times. While these were beautiful events, what comes out after the babies arrive is NOT pretty;

I've also had, like most people, the common stomach bugs, morning sicknesses and snot-filled, allergy-ridden springs.

But, nothing could quite prepare me for tonight.

I'm preparing for my first-ever colonoscopy, and thought that the worst part of it would be the procedure in the morning.

But, after fasting all day long and then drinking 80 ounces of somewhat thick, salty-sweet liquid, I've changed my mind.

I am dreaming of food and, inexplicably, unable to watch anything on TV but Top Chef and The Food Network. I almost licked the television screen when they made a muffaletta, despite the fact that I rarely eat any meat.

I'm dreaming of food even during the "cleansing", which is pretty remarkable.

Oh, the cleansing. If you've ever told anyone they are full of shit, well, think again, because you are too. Yes, you are full of more shit than you think is possible.

I am astounded by this, and hungry. And probably 10 pounds lighter. Wait, let me go check that one. . .

Nope, dammit, exactly the same weight. How is that possible???

OK, all appears to be quiet in the belly region. I'm off to bed to dream about muffaletta and bagels and goat cheese and french fries and ice cream.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aaaah, yes. Colonoscopies. Had one. One was enough. Nothing else is every going up there that way ever again. You can read whatever you want into that statement.

While we are speaking of anuses (something that I rarely do in real life) that was me a few weeks ago posting about the dog...issues. I'd inadvertantly used the OmegaMan's gmail account. Sorry for the mystery.

11:25 PM  
Blogger Blog Antagonist said...

Yikes. Been putting this off for a while. I seem to have mild IBS, but it is undiagnosed as yet, because...well, I keep putting off the colonoscopy. I just can't stomach the idea. Good luck with yours.

6:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Had one not too long ago, no big whoop, as they say. Glad to have you posting about it, there weren't too many out there when I was searching for "half-lytley prep solution" or "Katie Couric and colonoscopy"!

Now that should do interesting things to your blogger search terms!

Here's my post on the topic:

6:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy Crap (no pun intended!) that is hilarious! YOu are such a great writer!! I have never had a colonoscopy. I remember my father having one years back and the fasting! Yuck! And the cleansing, well... looks like your "clear", huh!?
Let us know how it goes!!
OH... and the same thing with the teeth and no novicane... same thing happened with me!
- Audrey
Pinks & Blues

6:16 AM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

I really need to schedule one for myself, but the cleansing process scares the bejeebus out of me. Even more than the actual procedure. They give you drugs for the procedure but nothing helps that liquid go down any easier. Or what comes out as a result.

Hope it all goes, um, smoothly today.

7:37 AM  
Blogger Beck said...

Yeah, I've had one too. It's sort of... astonishing...
Good luck today.

7:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I haven't traveled that particular road yet myself, but I just wanted to say it's not fair that you haven't lost any weight after the cleansing! Not fair at ALL! Hope the procedure goes smoothly today and that you're up to having a nice dinner tonight.

9:25 AM  
Blogger Magpie said...

The actual colonoscopy is nothing, but the prep sucks. Sucks. No bones about it, it sucks.

Hope all's well with you.

10:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does this mean I can tell Katie Couric that she's full of shit, too?

Jane, Pinks & Blues Girls

10:38 AM  
Blogger Reff said...

Okay, there is sharing and there is S-H-A-R-I-N-G! You are totally missing the male 18-35 demo. Who is your editor?!?

10:49 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

Umm, yuck.

Though I can say that when I was in labor there was absolutely no question that the dreaded enema was completely unnecessary at that point.

12:21 PM  
Blogger Mary Alice said...

Wow. I am proud of your commitment to preventative health and the public service you are rendering by actually blogging about your colonoscopy, so that it will not be as mysterious and frightening to others. Prevention/early detection of colon cancer must be taken seriously. I have had two cousins who have had this and it is a terrible thing.

Now, on a related note of the colon, but not as serious, I must mention that I have a couple of really earthy crunchy girlfriends who go monthly for the alternative medicinal colonics and swear by them. They say they feel renewed and regenerated….I personally think I would prefer a facial for renewal and regeneration…butt, to each his own.

12:22 PM  
Blogger NotSoSage said...

Oh. Ugh. I used to work on a research project where I was required to read through the medical charts of people diagnosed with colon cancer. As you can imagine, there were a number of horrible things to witness, but I have to say that the most universally appalling thing to everyone, at the beginning, was the prep required for the colonoscopy. Double Ugh. I hope all is well.

8:48 PM  

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